“It’s a funny old game” as Jimmy Greaves once said. 

 

Those of you know I’ve had the chance to visit some great European places whilst watching football, but this trip was to be different. 

 

Mokba- Moscow for those who don’t know. A place I had always wanted to visit. An opportunity that had not really arisen until the champions league draw turned up Chelsea v cska Moscow. Yes I’ve got to go! And then emirates airline offered me that reality in September - the e mail newsletter came round- mokba 1170 dhs for those booking through October. Quick!  Where is the calculator. 1170 divided by 6.8 = 172 pounds sterling. It’s really got to be done. Go on line and book a hotel and find that the ukraina hotel can accommodate me. Check this place out http://www.ukrina.-hotel.ru 

 

0h my god and as I subsequently found out. It’s birth was 1956 as part of Stalin’s ideology to build the 7 sisters of Stalin a series of buildings around Moscow with a similar look but with different uses. University commerce etc. My building was to house students initially for the 1957 youth games. Strange that on the Wednesday night of my trip there were track suited youngsters with France Italia Deutschland Great Britain on them. They were here to take part in a cycling tournament.  48 years on the hotel is still accepting youth athletes. 

 

I arrived at the airport to eventually find my  driver with a perfectly written sign saying “stevecolman”- no added e in the Colman. Oh this is great. However, the first sign I saw though had disheartened me no, not “no smoking”, it was a sign on a football shirt- Manchester united – I thought that someone had set me up and that was my driver but no, amongst the mad frenzy of taxi drivers offering their services was “Mr. manure” Moscow style. 

 

My driver was great pointing out, between bouts of unknown Russian, “trolley bus- yukos-tram bus-you u.s.?” Anything with us or os and he told or asked me  about it. 

 

All the way down on the outskirts of the city there were marvelous woods with towering silver birch trees and houses with angular apex rooftops rather like north European and alpine designs to fend off the wintertime snow. 

 

Arriving at my magnificent 29 storey hotel I was a little disappointed to find I was staying in “little England” or more so “little Chelsea” - the bar area was full of the boys which in some respects made me feel at home but they were in tour parties and they all seemed to know each other. It was difficult for even the affable Colman to infiltrate their conversations. but it made for interesting viewing seeing the young prostitutes trying to ply their trade amongst the pissed up Chelsea boys. All shapes and sizes where one of the two fat slagskis was attracting an amazing amount of interest. 

 

Any way it had been a long –ish 5 and a half hour flight and in unknown territory I decided to nip round the corner to the Pinocchio restaurant  and a delicious fillet steak bar none. 

 

Morning of the game and off to breakfast at 8.30, a look at the Moscow times showed a photo of john terry in red square  wearing the very shorts and flip flops that he was wearing when I interviewed him in Dubai- john we know you’re hard but shorts and flips flops? I have the feeling his Mrs. packed his bags for him and mistook Moscow for morocco. I needed to follow in his footsteps , but not in shorts even though there was brilliant sunshine- a 6km walk into visit red square where I had been told it was no smoking and a threat of jail if caught, I had come from the bottom of red square, the st basil’s side, and entering the square the first person I saw was a soldier –smoking. 

 

I booked a city trip by coach to familiarize myself with the place. 25 minutes to go before the trip and I thought I’d nip round to take a photo to put alongside my photos of the new York met, Vienna stat oper,,la scala, sydney and all the other great opera houses world wide that I had the chance to visit. 

 

As I was heading to the bolshoi ballet theatre I stopped to take a photo of a magnificent gold onion domed church and ……..the battery ran out on my camera . I ran around trying to find a shop selling unusual camera batteries and finally was directed back to the world famous g.u.m. Block of shops on red square. Bingo I found the shop but they didn’t take dollars, oh well credit card for the magnificent sum of 130 roubles = 3.86 pounds and 4 minutes to go to city trip coach leaving. but I made it and was greeted by the too talkative  Helena my tour guide. 

 

Bit unfair as she was superb giving us value for money on a 3 hour trip on the best coach in Moscow, capital tours if you are interested the only down side was getting out of the coach at the magnificent sparrow hills viewpoint which is a point high over Moscow and having left the hotel in brilliant sunshine at 9.30 realised that the temperature had plummeted, cloud had gathered and the wind was what I always expected from Moscow. 2 seasons in one day- I decided I was going back to the coach to stop my shivering bones. 

 

 I had my chelski traditional fur hat…..at the hotel. 

 

We had visited the other side of the Moscow river to view red squares buildings from the other side. Helena asked what we thought had inspired the shape of the onion spires, I had to say the penis as all around Moscow that’s all you see big tall silver birches and towering penis buildings. She agreed that there was a major male influence but was a bit more detailed in the Byzantine influence. I’m not so sure. It really looks more like my original theory. 

 

After our trip which finished conveniently at red square I thought I’d go and sample the delights of the Prague restaurant which had been pointed out as a “nice place” by tour guide Helena. After going through a security machine my coat was more or less forced off my back by a shady looking guy and as it was now 2.30 the place seemed to be very empty. With no one to guide me I went up and up and up and on each floor encountered heavies who of course couldn’t speak English, but I eventually ended on the fourth floor and again thought security was pretty prevalent here. I settled down to continue reading my Dan brown and ordered chicken Kiev as I was in Russia. This amazing plate came and there will be some of you going “euuugh!!!” But my Kiev came beautifully presented with poached pear, peaches, grapes and strawberries. - strange combination but it worked for me. 

 

Whilst eating I received a text message from carol from Chelsea asking if I wanted to come to the Marriott and take the coach with them. what do you think ? Of course I would. so I texted just about everyone to tell them I was going on the team bus. I couldn’t wait  

 

Having walked back again to the hotel i decided to get transport to the city this time. I took my first taxi and the driver said 200 roubles to the hotel so I said him, I don’t have roubles will you take  10 dollars – he said yes. It was only a day later when I found the exchange rate  I’d just done myself out of 100 roubles. Well hey if you’ve got it. Subsequently a couple who I got talking to at the Chelsea game had paid 1950 roubles for the same trip- now that is flaunting it!!! 

 

Anyway subsequently meeting up with carol  it was very interesting  as  we headed for a 25 seater minibus and then  had about 28 people crammed into it I realised that it was for the traveling club and not a Chelsea player in sight!!!- oops well I can dream 

 

At 8pm 30 minutes before the kick off as I was standing watching the boys warm up (in Moscow in November-not an easy task) I got “the”  phone call from Chris rose. With break up on the wonderful Russian international line all I heard was “ ……….happened……..Koran now……..” And then cut off uh oh the day had come and our beloved leader was no more. C’mon Chelsea do it for him. And they did.  

 

After the game we were taken back to the hotel where it appeared we were ahead of most of the Chelsea fans, but still had problems getting served at our bar. 2 very slovenly  soviet bar staff attempting to cope with the small amount of people and as the boys subsequently began to pile in it was obvious that tempers were going to get a bit fiery -  two bar staff for a couple of hundred thirsty and cold Chelsea fans wanting to celebrate a 1-0 away win which had given us 12 out of 12 points. At about one am Gordon and Marilyn- the ones who’d paid 1950 for the taxi ride and I,  decided to retire. 

 

Then at about 1.30 I could hear from my 9th floor hotel room a gathering crowd of Chelsea fans seemed to be outside the hotel who were beginning to chant at I don’t know who. 

 

Within 5 minutes it had got louder and then a  subsequent fracas  began. I was the wrong side of the hotel but saw heads opposite were popping out of windows and cameras  began to flash as obviously something else had flashed downstairs- a fight was taking place. I don’t know how big or who was involved but after a further 5 minutes I went inside and heard a chant of Chelsea Chelsea”  interrupted by  “pop pop pop pop” then a dissipating “Chelsea Chelsea” then another “pop pop pop pop”  And……..silence. I don’t know who fired the gun or at what, if anyone was shot, or whether it was just overhead warning shots but it had worked. I must admit I felt a little twitchy 

 

Next morning  I walked off to gorky park another 6 kilometer stroll and then off to the cultural park where all the old statues of Lenin and Stalin had been dumped  and have subsequently been put in to a park which contains statues of all types. Legendary statues which had existed  for many years alongside modern sculptures of animals was very odd. 

 

On to red square another 6 kilometer walk and off for lunch at the 3 storey  shopping center underground  red square, then to a bar where I found a pint for 60 roubles  bearing in mind my hotel pint was 150 roubles I was in heaven . I found it weird that a bar adjacent to red square was cheaper than my hotel 6 km from the centre. but lets be honest there were a lot of incongruous moments like that. -then back to hotel 0ff to Pinocchio for dinner and  bed. 

 

Next morning at breaky Gordon and Marilyn said they were off to Lenin’s mausoleum and as we hovered around trying to find out why red square itself was closed off a tour guide came touting for trade she offered us the trip at 500 roubles each, now bearing in mind it is actually free to go into the tomb she was good value showing us all the other plaques of the likes of Uri Gagarin, the first guy in space, and the last plaque which was from 1984. No more will be buried there unless of course they return to communism. Oh by the way Lenin looked a bit poorly. I don’t think he’ll survive the winter 

 

I have to say there are a lot of beggars around Moscow some you feel sorry for but on the whole as I always say in other cities of the world– “go and get a job!!!!” 

 

Here I decided on a new tack which was every time anyone approached me, I retorted “ if you are going to beg at least learn to beg in English!!!” 

 

I then walked off to the magnificent  rebuilt  Jesus Christ our saviour church and was so awe struck went back to red square to the bar again which had 60 rouble pints. then after a walk back through old arbat I saw the Italian restaurant where I would eat that night. Further up on my walk back to the hotel I ended up  standing in middle of the south circular for 10 minutes trying to cross the road. I felt a complete prat but buoyed up by the fact that on two occasions I’d made it running across shk zayed road safely I finally got to the other side. 

 

After that went to the 29th floor of the hotel which has a 360 degree view of the city. Got some great fotos of the sunset and thought of the boys in Dubai still playing the Koran station on the better mix. How do you think “the inshallah mix” would go down when I get back on air. 

 

Back to the hotel after my marvelous Italian and the girls were once again gathered in the bar. I stopped for one………..drink that is, I promise you,  and then went to get the lift and as me and two other guys got in - the rather delightful thing in pink and half a skirt on, got out of the lift.  Attempting to make my two boring guys going to bed amused I said “isn’t it odd we’re going up and she’s going down” . I think the guys were German,  but my double entendre went out the window as one of the guys said “she’s going to be going up and down all night” . Nice one which put my quip in the shade!!! 

 

Friday –what to do? Walked into the city via old arbat which in summer has street entertainers but in winter just has souvenir stalls and artists doing portrait stuff , but it was cool. 

 

Wandered around new areas of the city I hadn’t been and chatted to an enthusiastic young bloke who wanted to talk about Chelsea and asked my thoughts on roman abramovich- I said he’s a clever man – he retaliated – but is he a good man ? Who knows. 

 

Pinocchio once again and so to bed 

 

Saturday and it’s home time and as I sit in reception of the hotel  typing some of this up – I learn from the Australian British cycling coach that the athletes are here for the cycling world cup and until last night great Britain were winning the medals tally  but it’s gone tits up today. This is the wrong time of the year for our cyclists but for the Russians and others it is the culmination of their season- sounded like an excuse to me but what do I know? 

 

Dosvedanya mokba . It was grey for most of the time but when the sun was out I can imagine the pull of summertime here. I had hoped to see some snow but all I saw was at the football ground on Tuesday night the shoveled piles which I’d missed by 3 days. 

 

After I wrote those words I turned off the computer and ordered my final pint before heading off to the loo. as I walked looward in walked my driver with “Colman Steve” on his sign. I asked him to sit with me whilst I finished the pint but he just wanted to stand beside me and wait- no pressure Colman- get the pint down ya!!! I obliged. Thank god he wasn’t Mr. “trolley bus” “yukos” he hardly had a word to say other than “my turn” as we had a cigarette at 20 minute intervals. on the way to my departure. Passing the wonderful dach buildings and forests of silver birches on the way. Their whiteness was the closest I got to snow.

 

BUT I SUPPOSE I WAS THERE BECAUSE BLUE IS THE COLOUR!!